I thought I would never be happy again.
Then I felt guilty when I started to be.
When I felt pieces of happiness, I feared I was betraying Leyden or dishonoring her loss.
I remember crying the first time I laughed.
I was afraid to have my facebook feed be anything BUT Leyden.
I couldn't listen to music.
Be around crowds.
And planning for the future felt absolutely suffocating.
So when my mom said to me last week that "this is the happiest I have seen you...." and her voice trailed implying "after Leyden" as my life has become an unspoken split between "before Leyden" and "after Leyden" it was this really weird feeling of agreement that also encompassed pride, sadness, emptiness, love and guilt. Basically it was the grief variety pack.
The truth is, I am really happy. And I still cry. And my heart still hurts.
I smile, laugh, share on social, listen music and no longer fear crowds.
Transformation started with opening up to the possibility of being happy again, letting go of a lot of things that were in the way, finding gratitude, curiosity and then, alignment.
So if you don’t think you can smile again or you’re worried that your current happiness might be short lived or feeling really afraid that you might lose something that makes you really happy-
I’m telling you, no matter what, you can cultivate happiness. I promise.
Even if you lose it for a day, a week, a month, or longer.... you have the infinite power to find it again.
Because you are so much stronger than circumstance. Leyden taught me this.
As my mom continued to speak, it struck me that the thing that I feared has become the very path that I seek to honor her.
Leaning into those fears.... it's powerful.
And so are you.